09-30-2003, 09:48 PM
Modern AddictFeeling 'used'
Been doing some on and off thinking the past month or two over an intriguing question, and perhaps it's time to open it up to others.
Many people believe that sex is something shared as one of the benefits of a relationship, and no matter how tempting the act might be on its own, it is too much a gift of oneself to make just for temporary enjoyment. Countering their view, of course, are those who want to enjoy sex without strings attached.
Compare dancing.
An enjoyable physical activity, yes. But enjoyable not just in the sense of art or sport, but in the fact that it is also about sharing something of yourself with another person. Common wisdom holds that dancing is something that should be freely shared with anyone. And common expectation is that dancing comes with no strings attached.
But is that really fair? If someone commits their entire purpose to dancing, is that really less than what a person offers of themselves by enganging in the modern practice of safe sex?
And if it is not less, then is taking advantage of that offering, while rejecting any associated strings - fundamentally any different than using someone for sexual gratification while refusing to have any strings attached?
I'm starting to think it isn't.
Unfortunately, the conclusion doesn't offer a lot of solutions: I'm sure there have been plenty of 'virgin until marriage' types suffering through young adulthood with extreme sexual frustration. So I don't think refusing to dance with people who aren't interested in a solid partnership (or for that matter personal relationship) would really help things.
But having tried the 'no strings' version of both, the feelings of debasement - of giving your all to the moment, but getting nothing lasting in return - are pretty similar.
09-30-2003, 10:11 PM
quickquickslowDancing is dancing, and what you're sharing of yourself is your dancing skills. It's nothing personal, unless you make it so. The feelings of being used might come from the differences two people feel in what they want out of their dancing or other kind of partnership. Dunno if this makes sense. I think I'm delirious from lack of sleep.
09-30-2003, 10:12 PM
ShoutedWhispersThe strings-attached verision of sex implies a commitment to your partner, not to the the act itself. Through the act you are coming closer to your partner.
The strings-attached version of dance involves committing to dance. Through the person you are becoming better at dance.
Not to say that there isn't commitment to the dance partner, but the dance partner isn't the focus. But in just the same way, with the sex-involving relationship it is not (hopefully) the sex you are committed to, but the person.
I'm not quite sure what I was going to say about how that relates to being used... but it was a distinction that I saw and wanted to make clear.
10-01-2003, 08:20 AM
AngeloFor me, the biggest difference between sex and dancing is not in what you do or what you feel for the other person, but in that you have to come down from the high alone, rather than drifting off to sleep in the arms of your partner. One presumes connection, the other detachment.
For me, the biggest difference between the interactions of sex and dancing is what you feel within yourself. What meaning you give to either act in a particular situation (which is by no means the same every time) will probably go a long way into influencing whether or not you feel "used". I have been asked to dance many times by attractive women, but have only ben sexually propositioned once. I have accepted all dance invitations but did not accept the other one. In never felt "used" during the dances, but can't comment on the "no strings" sex since I didn't go through with it.
Similarly, whether or not your partner will feel "used" is determined largely by the meaning they attach to the act, though one can influence their responses to SOME degree by being sensitive to the "messages" they are sending. The feeling of being used, in my opinion, indicates a choice, made consciously or unconsciously, to attach a meaning to your interaction while your partner did not consent to do the same.
People, it's not all
italics profound. Hope you're not losing any sleep over this...
05-09-2006, 06:30 PM
SmileyThis has been an issue with me also. I enjoy dancing but along with it, like the special connection one can get from dancing with a man; especially an attractive one. Dancing can be sensual, especially latin. To say that dancing is dancing and one can do it without ever feeling any attraction towards someone is being dishonest with oneself. If a person's main intent is to simply dance without having any connection with anyone affiliated with it (be it dance partner or dancing people in general), then that person needs to be honest and upfront with everyone. Then there are no hard feelings. Sounds to me though that your intention was to meet a woman through dancing.